You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
