They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
God, you're like boner-b-gone
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
