Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Randomize
