i wonder if she gts uncomfortable walkin bu when she knows we all know what her pussy tastes like
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
