We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Randomize
