My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
I just want nice things and good sex
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Randomize
