I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
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