We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
