I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
