If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
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