That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize
