Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
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Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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