Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
