i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
