I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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