Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
