I mean a good dj is a huge turn on
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
