I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Randomize
