We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
