I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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