Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
pray to the hookup gods
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Randomize
