glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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