3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Randomize
