I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
Randomize
