the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
