you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
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