Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.