Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
19 Confessions From A Dude With A Micropenis
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
17 Exes Admit Why They Were Crazy In Their Past Relationship
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK