He asked to "fluff my boner.."
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
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You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
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You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.