well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Randomize
