I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
