OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Randomize
