I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
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