Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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