I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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