I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
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