oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
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