She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
