I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Randomize
