Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
