actually, I'm a sock model
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
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