After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
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