The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
this hospital has no fireball
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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