broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
