he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
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