seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
