I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Randomize
