i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Hippo gnu deer
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
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