Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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