I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
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