I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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