i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Randomize
