my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
Randomize
