Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
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He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
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But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
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