I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
