Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
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