My new storm is the chrons
The only reason I needed a new one is bc I threw up on my other one(248): And since Verizon doesn't have a throw up test, I was eligible for a new one
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
My boob is missing a layer of skin
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
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