she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
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