please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Randomize
