Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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