Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
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